New Moon:Edward's Life
by SmJkr
Summary: Disclaimer:I don't own any of Stephenie meyers beautiful characters or ideas.I tried to write his pov and the cullens in New Moon.Please read and Comment.
1. Edward

AFTER BELLA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY

Edward's POV

This was my entire fault, my mistake. Jasper, my own brother, almost killed my Bella. I was furious as I dropped Bella off at her house for the last time, and she made me suffer. The one thing she asked of me as my decision and strategy solidified in my mind. She wanted me to rip myself apart, into a million tortured pieces. Yet, I would do anything for her, because I wanted to. I didn't want to leave her because I knew what would happen to her. "Kiss me." She requested. I took a burning breath, because this was the last time I would be close enough to her to feel the fire singe down my venom coated esophagus. I bent my head gently and heard a drop of moisture hit the wet, cool pavement. I realized she was crying. She had every right to; she could tell that something was wrong with me. She didn't care though that I could be the one inches from the decision to end her life. That we couldn't be together, yet I wanted her forever, always in every way. I wanted her to be immortal with me so I would never have to let go. I was arguing internally with my selfishness and the need to protect her from myself and my world. I gently brushed her delicate lips with my cold stone ones and felt her shudder at my cold hand on her wrist. I felt her pulse against my thumb quicken and was decided. She was too precious and delicate to stay around vicious creatures like me. We were the best predators, built to kill, welcome in our prey and take to them with malice. Or those as unfortunate as I who would in turn love them and are their final destruction. I unknowingly started to kiss her with urgency for this would be the last time I could. But I regained control and pulled away. She asked me if I would stay with her over night. I obliged, but only until she fell asleep to the CD of my compositions. I carefully fled from her bed so as not to disturb her but kissed her hand. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I sobbed as I stood there and watched her sleep restlessly. I pulled myself together even though I knew the pieces would shatter again once I was alone. I lifted open her bedroom window, gracefully stepped onto the roof and pulled it shut. I still had the want to leave some proof of my impact on Bella Swan. I turned around, and with my nail, carved my initials, E.A.M.C, into her window frame. I jumped off Chief Swan's roof and landed with a solid yet quiet thud on the sodden front lawn. Stupid Italian shoes, covered in mud now. I couldn't care less. I pulled them off my feet, along with my socks and tore the top of the shoes, rubbed away the designer's name with my thumb, and mangled the rubber sole. I tucked my socks into my pocket and threw the shoes into Bella Swan's garbage can. "There, idiot. Face the facts." I mumbled to myself. If I could do what I planned, I could no longer fanaticize about Bella's name with my surname. I had daydreamed before, holding her hand this summer, about Bella Cullen. It used to be a melody in my mind that would twist into our future together. Now, it was like nails on a chalk board, torture. I ran, head-long into the forest at the end of her street. I could feel the ripping sensation, spreading in my chest that told me I was sobbing. I ran for around a mile, up the side of a Sequoia tree, and sat on the tallest, thickest branch. I sat alone, sobbing, thinking, breathing, and trying to make myself believe it was the only way. A hundred years without the love and company I craved, and now that I had found it, I was leaving it behind. On purpose. I hated to think of my strategy as running away, but it was what I was doing. I wasn't out running from the law, like Rosalie had done after killing all those men or moving on for secrecy's purpose. I was running from love. What a fool I must be for running from the only real magic in this world. I looked at my watch. Only one in the morning. I jumped from my branch and ran back to my car in front of her house. But I didn't look at her house, when I left her bedroom for the last time, that was the last time I would look at it. I turned on the ignition (thank goodness this car was well tuned) and sped home. I stomped up our stairs and entered the dining room. "Hi." Alice said. She already knew my decision. _I can't believe this_ Alice thought. _What has he decided now?_ Emmett inquired of his own mind. Esme kept silent as did Carlisle, Rosalie, and Jasper. "Are you sure, Edward?" Alice asked. "Yes I'm positive. You two will be the first to put it in motion." I demanded. "What exactly is _it?"_ Jasper said timidly. He was afraid to speak to me, afraid I would hold him at fault. "Jasper, I don't blame you. I only blame myself. I thought you knew me well enough." I said, forcing gentleness. "We're leaving. I won't put Forks" _Bella_ Carlisle added mentally "in danger anymore. Rose, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, you leave first. I'm sorry," I started. "Son, you've moved for all of us. I was offered a job at a medical college just last week. I can retire from Forks hospital and accept the school's offer." Carlisle interrupted. "Thanks." I said, half-heartedly. "Edward, can't I at least say goodbye to Bella? She's my friend, she'd want that." Alice pled. "No, I'm sorry, but a clean break is better. If we just leave at once, she won't try as hard." I retorted. I knew Bella would never let go. How could she? I had told her so many times in so many words how much I loved her."But leaving her will destroy her.I saw it while you were out.I understand that I can't say goodbye,but she might give up easier than you think." Alice said. It was like being stabbed with a wouldn't give up,she loved me,I loved her. If I lied through my teeth hour after torturous hour,I wouldn't be able to start an inkling of doubt in her. "Alice,I know her better than anyone,she's the most stubborn bitch anyone will ever meet." Ow.I resented using that word for my Bella. it burned my lips to say,turned my mind and distorted my emotions.I was furious with myself now,wanted to tear myself apart for using the foul term about the love of my life. She was beauty,she was love,she was forgiving and understanding."Edward!" Esme said."Stop,it's all a coping mechanism."Carlisle assured. I was cracking.I could feel my held together shell splitting into pieces."What if it is?" I almost sobbed."I have to-I can't-" I studdered."I can't pretend I get it, Edward." Carlisle said with his hand sternly on my mother's,or Esme's,shoulder.I was calling everything as it was. I would from now my Bella,just Bella."Son,just last night you were-" Carlisle started."I know what I was,I know how long ago it was.I can even tell you milliseconds since we had that exact discussion." I ,last night,had told Carlisle that I would propose to Bella by January."Really?But,you can't!Eternity is a long time to be alone,even if you stayed with her for her lifetime.A life time is only on averege eighty years,and you've already missed 17 of them." Alice,always with statistics."Even if I tried to look for how long she'd live,though I haven't for our sakes,I wouldn't be able to see, We should just-" "Shut up,Alice." I growled."I'm trying to save you from yourself but if you are going to deal with it like this,than screw you." She said,scrunching up her witty mind was full of more foul things to say than 'screw you' but she wouldn't use still cared about me even if she saw that I wouldn't stay."I just-" It was an out-of-body experience but not in a good way."Please,everyone. An hour while we talk." Rosalie and Emmett hadn't spoken since I walked out with Bella.I drew in a breath."Edward,my office." he said.I trudged up the stairs to his office moodily like a teenager in trouble for something.I may have had the appearance of the youngest but I was older than all besides Carlise."Son,I can't watch you do this to yourself." "Then don't!Pack up,leave and take everyone with you." I said. "No,I can't do that until I am sure of one Anthony Masen Cullen,do you love her?"this was the last time."YES! I love her, I can't let her near me!For her to put herself at risk to be with me,it isn't right." I tried to reason."Son,all I can really ask then is that you,as a gentleman and someone she cares about more than her own life,be careful.I don't know if it is possible to tell someone you don't love them carefully,even if you do in fact love them the way you do her. I know in my heart of hearts that this will be the hardest most painful thing you ever do." _Gee,thanks, Dad!_ I thought miserably


	2. Carlisle and Emmett decide

Ch 2

While Carlisle told me what he thought needed to be done (even if it only took minutes) I couldn't help but to let me mind wander. He was right, this wasn't easy, even if I was decided, there was no swaying me, I didn't want to do it. "Edward, Son, you don't have to do this." I could feel his eyes burning into mine, though I wasn't actually looking at him. But when he said that, it was unexplainable. "Carlisle! Stop! Can't you all just stop it! I have to do this! I have to protect her!" I practically yelled at him and was abruptly shocked by my own actions. "Calm down!" He tried to convince me, like he does his patients, that everything was fine. He wasn't yelling, like a psychologist, he was keeping calm and cool about what was my own self destruction. "Carlisle! I'm not one of your fragile patients! Don't treat me like I don't know what I'm doing! I've been alive more than a decade! I know how to handle myself!" _Still yelling _he analyzed. "Deep breath" He tried. "NO! I won't! Guess what ,_Dad, _I don't need to breath! It doesn't help! I'm a monster!" I brought my voice down a little so he would stop trying to find ways he could use psychological training to "help" me. _Better _he decided. "Edward, you aren't a monster." "Yes, yes I am. If I'm not, explain why I want to kill her every time I-I" I was crumbling like sandstone weathered away by the elements.

_Gather the pieces or you won't be able to do this. Gather the pieces or you're nothing_ something inside my head kept chanting. "What?" he asked. Trying to help me still. "I love her, Carlisle, and I can't be trusted near her. I can't hold her hand because I feel her pulse, which makes it worse. It hurts to do that, let alone kiss her. And she thinks that I can't hurt her. She wants to stay with me forever and so do I but I can't risk her and I can't damn her to this." I whimpered. As much as Carlisle felt bad for me, he felt triumphant, he had cracked it. "I think you should do it. Your judgment is often correct." He told me. "How could you say that? I'm not infallible." I contradicted. What was I doing? Somehow I think he knew that in the end, I would never be able to stay away. He patted my shoulder heartily, bringing back a déjà vu of sorts of sitting at the kitchen table in my parent's house those hundred years ago. As we sat at the home mended rickety kitchen table in our shabby 20th century home, I told my parents that someday, I wanted to join the army. My father had grunted "good man" and patted my shoulder, just as Carlisle had, while my mother wiped the counter worriedly.

"I'll go find them. If we are to be out in less than a week I suppose, we better get to work." "Carlisle?" I said. "Yes?" "Sorry. I just-""I understand" he said. And that was it. I sat at the kitchen table and thought about a plan while Carlisle ran to find the rest. I decided that they would leave all at once and first starting tomorrow. They didn't need to be gone tomorrow, to be truthful; I didn't want them gone tomorrow. I needed the little support they could give me. Then, two days from now, actually tomorrow since it was almost four in the morning, I would say goodbye to Bella, alone. I wanted the house to myself the final day, in case something happened. Not to her, to me. I wouldn't let my family see me like that.

"Ed?" Emmett asked, strutting in soaked, his muddy boots squelching on Esme's clean hardwood floor. He pulled them off and put them in the laundry room. "Where's?" I said weakly. "Farther behind. I passed Carlisle heading back. I wanted to talk to you." "Why? I'm a miserable pain." I said. "Shut up. I wasn't the most supportive from the start, I know, so it's not my job to care. But, you're my brother and my best friend. I get that it's impossible to convince you to stay. It's just; she's a big part of our family and your life. She is like my little sister now and I wanted to tell you to be a gentleman ,as Esme would say, about this. She's stubborn enough to really hurt herself. Purposely, I mean. I know you understand that, even if you won't admit it to yourself. You would too. I know this is a Carlisle and Alice question, but do you really love her?" he asked. "Emmett, why are you doing this?" "Just answer it." He growled. "Yes, Emmett." "Alright."


	3. Packing

Ch3

I watched as my siblings, Alice, Rose, Emmett, and Jasper, packed up their things and threw me agitated, worried, angry, confused, and most of all upset glances. They didn't want to leave Forks, it was their home. We could go outside almost every day here and be normal. Alice had found her first best friend here in Bella Swan. Emmett loved the hunting sources here mostly but between him and Bella, there was a sort of kinship. Since Bella went where I did, he had grown to except her presence and enjoy it. He found her clumsiness hilarious and endearing, her sense of humor a match to his, her easy happiness comforting. He glanced with concern as he passed by and I would be sitting alone in silence without a book in my hands.

Jasper, well he tried to be upset, mourning. I guess they all would miss the hunting, that was in our nature. Jasper decided he would miss how blissful and full of pride Bella made me. And he was dreading how angry Alice would be with me. Rosalie just grouched because she didn't want to relocate, she feared she would be made to start school all over again.

"So, Edward, what do you-" Esme tried, she still hoped I would change my mind.

"Mom, we are leaving, there aren't any other choices." My voice was flat, matter-of-fact, that's what irritated her the most. She sighed and walked gracefully up the stairs to start packing up the room she had dreamt up for herself. I went back to thinking.

Esme and Carlisle, Bella's second set of non-divorced parents. They mourned as parents would when their child left for college, but not looking forward to the prospect that this moving was good for the child. They believed Bella and I were the perfect match made in heaven. Carlisle cared for Bella like a daughter. She had a special place in his heart too. She had accepted and fallen in love with his first son and "Best Man" as he kept thinking. He had admired her from the day they met in the hospital after that stupid car crash. She seemed unique to him, she had deep, intelligent eyes and her voice rang with knowledge. He enjoyed the way she looked at me, with love and adoration as he felt I deserved. He had noted the way the gears seemed to turn in her head when anyone of us gave her new information. He was making me start to have qualms with my plan.

"We're done." I heard Alice say. I felt the vibration of the house as she dropped a box of books at my feet.

"What's this?" I said, a little concern leaking into my town. She soaked in it, thinking she most likely wouldn't hear emotion let alone my voice for a long time after we parted. My books, I didn't want her to trash my books.

"Your stuff from Carlisle's study, Jasper and I finished early so I helped him. Take it." She demanded, nudging the bulky box with her foot.

"Thanks, Alice." By 'Thanks, Alice' I had really meant 'Goodbye, Alice' because she wouldn't want to talk to me before we left.

"I'm still mad. About all of it. It's foolish, you love her," I cringed, "and she's my best friend but you won't let me say goodbye before we never see her again. The next time I see her will be in my head or at her grave." She spit the information at me as though she didn't want to say it, and she didn't. The idea of never seeing Bella again made her want to cry too.

"Alice, please." I pled. "Don't say that. And don't look for her, alright. We've caused enough trouble here already."


	4. Chapter 4

Ch 3

Part II

I decided it was best if I made myself useful, it was the only thing that would keep me physically busy so I didn't get up and run to Bella. I wanted to stay here with Bella and love her. But yet I would never be able to have her, hold her forever. I wouldn't turn her into one of us, it wasn't possible, it would be unhealthy for her and for our relationship. She wouldn't want me after I took her beautiful mortal life away. Taking her from her father, her mother, and her friends. But I wanted her so bad in so many ways. I wanted to see her smile, watch her turn pink with embarrassment, see her eyes glow with knowledge, listen to her laugh, and watch her adorable kitten anger when she discovered I wasn't telling her something.

"Ed, school" someone behind me said.

"Do I-" I began to say but I had already given myself an answer, it was my plan after all.

"No, Edward, you don't 'have to'! That's just what you decided, isn't it? Maybe you've just been b.s.-ing all of us for half a year! Whether you love her or not, you have decided we should all up and leave because you're fickle, even when " Emmett took a moment to make a show of counting on his fingers. "The sanity of eight people, human or not, lies on the line. You sure try to look self sacrificing, but you aren't doing much good. I stick with the opinion that we shouldn't leave but what do I know? I was rescued by the immortal who loves me, and hell, I've never been the masochistic type anyway. Alice looked too. We have no clue if Bella will even continue to exist after you leave. People have died of depression Carlisle says. Anyway, go to school. Alice and Jazz are leaving in two hours so I'd say goodbye to them if Alice will even talk to you. Jasper might. The 'Rents left this morning, actually an hour ago. Esme is confused as all get out; Carlisle doesn't even want to talk to you. They are going to visit Bella, she'll be asleep and won't see them, but they're going for Esme. Rose and I are leaving tomorrow."

"For being pissed at me, you talk an awful lot." I griped.

"I'm not that mad at you. You are my brother even if the fifth day I knew you, you told me I had no respect for Rosalie. Whatever, go or you'll be late." I wasn't over thinking anything lately.

"I'm flattered, Em." I thumped him on the back and ran up the stairs to change. I pulled on a bleach white shirt, dirty jeans (again, I didn't care. To me, life had no purpose) picked up a pair of tan socks off my floor and sneakers. When I walked back down the stairs slower than a human would in the morning and saw Emmett had picked up my copy of "Romeo and Juliette" and was reading so fast, it seemed he was flipping through it. "You have to read it slower to enjoy it." I rumbled.

"Oh, God! Don't you have any pride anymore? You reek!" he complained.

"We're the only ones in school who can tell. And I'm trying to be repulsive as to repel," I hissed. I jumped out the window, landed in the driveway and started the car.

_**((Sorry, this chapter is an example of working through a writer's block! My advice for anyone with a writer's block is to work through it. Forgive me. Anyway, this chapter is just to demonstrate Edward's opinion on the quality of life after practically loosing what he sees as his purpose for existing, Bella. The next chapter which I will hopefully have up by Monday the 13**__**th**__** will be longer, I promise. Thanks for reading!))**_


	5. days pass

Ch5

As I drove to forks high school in the appropriately depressing yet expected torrential down pour, I had time to think. My family would now be very much upset with me because we were relocating. To boot; we were relocating because I was being, as Alice said, so typically Edward. I had always been the complicated one, demanding only the highest of people. It started with my parents, Mister and Mrs. Mason, and continues on to myself, Jasper, and finally Bella. There was a crash on one of the empty back roads I usually took. A bad omen, it would be that kind of day, a train wreck. Maybe, since there was an excess of people on my road, it also meant today would be a day when I couldn't be alone. As I continued down the hill to where it was most congested, my car slipped and slid down at exactly 45 miles per hour to tick the rear end of the cheap 1993 Camery at the back of the "line".

"Shit." I growled to myself as I heard the owner of the car decide to come yell at me. He got out of the car, in quite a foul mood as I was in myself so I determined this would get ugly. I heard his grimy, meaty knuckle tap twice loudly on my darkly tinted windows. I clicked the plastic button (the cranks used in early cars were much harder to break) and watched the window slide down reluctantly. The smell of the man was automatically sucked into my car. I was startled to smell the heavy alcohol content of his blood this early in the morning. His thoughts were blotchy, foggy, and one senseless thing led into the next. This man was obviously an alcoholic to be drunk this early in the morning and a danger to anyone driving in this tiny, dingy, rain-soaked town.

"Ya' dentd muh dam cer!" he growled. His breath also smelled heavily of alcohol as I expected.

"Yeah. If you didn't notice, which I doubt you can, it's raining and this road is built for one car at a time. Quite frankly, I don't think you should be driving considering you're so drunk I barely understood what you just said. So get back in your car so I can call the police so you don't kill anyone. Maybe Charlie will be easy on you since his daughter is my girlfriend and I will be the one making the call." He looked baffled by my rant and cocked his greasy, red, hairy, and swollen head in confusion.

"Nothin'?" I asked. He still looked blank and drunk. I looked around. It was too dark and rainy out for anyone to see me. I grabbed the man by the ankle and ran the five feet to the front of his car and shoved him in. I closed the door behind me and ran back to my car so I didn't get very wet.

"Humans." I mumbled to myself. I yanked the stick into reverse, hit the gas, and swung the nose of the car around to face the way I had come. I wasn't very sure what I had done that morning. Maybe, since I was a creature of habit and selfishness, I had driven Bella to school. Maybe I hadn't. All that was entirely clear was our should-have-been discussion at lunch. I had noticed though, when she sat down next to me in literature class that she smelled like a Cullen. Not like she was one, like she had spent exclusive time with one of us. And that wasn't me. I smelled on top of the "Cullen-y"smell, an "Esme and Carlisle-ish" smell. So they really had gone to see her. I wonder if they noticed how my scent was soaked in and all through her bed sheets and quilt. I hoped Carlisle didn't suspect something had happened between us physically. He knew me, knew I wasn't that kind of person.

But back to our discussion at lunch. She asked me where Alice and Jasper were and I said they had gone away for a while. She approved and decided aloud that it was good for jasper to be away for a while. I wondered how she would feel when I told her I would be leaving. But not just for "a while". Forever. I could feel her blood racing with anxiety next to me. It made the monster angrier to know I was walking away from this delicious prize without killing her.

I heard Mike Newton wonder to himself why Bella's arm was bandaged, why I seemed indifferent towards her when she was injured. He wondered if I had caused it. He stacked up, in his mind, all the evidence he had against me to prove that maybe I was abusive. He noticed Bella's other arm lying over her lower half as if cradling her stomach. His mind sickly strayed to the idea that maybe she was pregnant. He thought it might be mine. He shook his head vigorously back and forth to clear the errant thought. I was sickened. How could he think of her that way? (Anyway, I knew why she was doing it. She had cramps.) I was angry with myself because I wanted to hold her, kiss her arm and tell her I was sorry she was hurt. But getting so close to her veins might be the end of my will power.

I spent the rest of my day watching her. Envying what was mine but knew I couldn't have. It was frustrating and my own fury was mind numbing. I was too tired to be angry.


End file.
